Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A kiss, to me, is a moment of intimacy. A fleeting moment, but a moment still.

It is a part of me that I give, I give for free. It is a part of me, that you can have. You can see. Everything else that has a price. That even I cant afford most days. Most months.

For a kiss, is physical. Love is everything else, it is emotional, mental, intellectual and spiritual. Those things I don’t give to myself let alone someone else.

But for that small moment, I am yours. I am everything I want to be. Then our lips part and I run. I self-sabotage. Even more so with someone I really like.

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The Third Wheel…

Being in any relationship has its hardships and delights, but when mental health issues are in the mix does this complicate things or does it enlighten them?

At what point do you tell them? Right at the beginning, on your dating profile, after six months or just wait for them to notice and say, oh didn’t I tell you? When is it okay to say, “Hey! I have a mental illness, well not one or two but three!” When will they believe it’s just a part of me? 

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The last plot twist of the year…

Have you seen that Instagram post “I hope the last two months of 2017 are the plot twist you were hoping for”? (original owner unknown.)

I have and it struck home to me. I pictured 2017 as a year-in-the-life book, then I questioned; what would it be about, what would I write about?

So, 2017 as much as you have been sweet to me you have also been unkind, and this why.

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Fears.

 

Lingering in silence, I am my worst company
But am I my greatest enemy?

After all is said after all is gone
Did I do my best
For what is done?

Pain besides me it lingers in my breath
For every word unspoken
For every death.

Forgetful dreams and wishful tears
For all the things I miss
For all of those years.

Through the pain and the glory of all the battles, I have seen
The worst defeat was for those
who have never been.

Whose ashes sway in the wind through the day and the night
Through the darkest hours
And through the light.

As time carries me on my feet shall fall
I know I still go on
I have given my all.

Even in the silence I still hear their cheers
Their almighty roars
Of all their forgotten fears.

 

 

3am.

You come over at 3am and I’m tired.

Whilst drinking my gin, you tell me stories of your night and fill the ashtray with your cigarettes.

It is 7am and you leave after one kiss.

So I’m sat here finishing that drink and smoking the cigarettes you left.

Now I’m wide awake, wondering how the hours went by because you always come.

Then walk away.