Lingering in silence, I am my worst company
But am I my greatest enemy?
After all is said after all is gone
Did I do my best
For what is done?
Pain besides me it lingers in my breath
For every word unspoken
For every death.
Forgetful dreams and wishful tears
For all the things I miss
For all of those years.
Through the pain and the glory of all the battles, I have seen
The worst defeat was for those
who have never been.
Whose ashes sway in the wind through the day and the night
Through the darkest hours
And through the light.
As time carries me on my feet shall fall
I know I still go on
I have given my all.
Even in the silence I still hear their cheers
Their almighty roars
Of all their forgotten fears.
You come over at 3am and I’m tired.
Whilst drinking my gin, you tell me stories of your night and fill the ashtray with your cigarettes.
It is 7am and you leave after one kiss.
So I’m sat here finishing that drink and smoking the cigarettes you left.
Now I’m wide awake, wondering how the hours went by because you always come.
Then walk away.
I lay beside your body and your silence filled my lungs.
I can feel the tingle of my fingers as I stroked your chest.
Your heart beat protruded through your skin and I felt the pain of a thousand dying stars.
In the glory of death, they have never glistened so bright. They were beautiful to the naked eye, just as you were naked.
You were beautiful.
In that moment, sorrow swirled through your tired eyes and I knew, I knew the pain you felt.
How it crippled your lungs and made your hands shake.
I knew what it had done to you, how it had encaged you in a life of broken dreams.
I knew what it was doing to you.
How it was tying your tongue to your throat to choke the words that could set you free.
I knew that I could not fight it for you but be there by your side, to see you through the war against your mind.
The moonlight laid against our skin and our eyes met, your lips parted and a shiver ran through my veins.
I could hear your thoughts through the shadows of the room as if they were projected onto the walls around us.
You did not talk but you pressed your lips against my skin and that was all the words you could never know how to begin.
I can’t find the words
I can’t begin to sympathise
My tongue is tied
Into a thousand ties
So far beneath the clouds
In this lifetime that has passed me by
I forgot how it felt to be loved
You taught me to try
Falling so fast
Consumed in your allure
I know that my fragile heart
Could find the strength
To love again
If you held my hand
People say dreams can come true
I never believed in them
I never believed until I met you
To my broken smile
You are the cure
My wings out wide
You taught me to fly
I am never afraid
For your eyes are the diamonds
In my pitch black night
Your arms are my home;
Your voice is my lullaby
I could never soar so high
You breathe life into me
I hope you already know
This is our destiny
The beating of my heart,
You are the pressure in my chest
I can’t sleep without you in my eyes
You are the reality at its best.
Within your heart I am young,
I am defenceless.
Words can’t find my tongue,
I am breathless.
Like any relationship, the one between mental illness and ‘self’ has its ups and downs, it has its own balance or sometimes an imbalance, but it takes work.
Sometimes, more work than the ability we have to do so.
I sat on the cold ground of the smoke-filled room.
I can’t see your face but I can hear your whispers. For they scar deep beyond my dreams. To the bone, your broken promises cut my porcelain skin.