Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A kiss, to me, is a moment of intimacy. A fleeting moment, but a moment still.

It is a part of me that I give, I give for free. It is a part of me, that you can have. You can see. Everything else that has a price. That even I cant afford most days. Most months.

For a kiss, is physical. Love is everything else, it is emotional, mental, intellectual and spiritual. Those things I don’t give to myself let alone someone else.

But for that small moment, I am yours. I am everything I want to be. Then our lips part and I run. I self-sabotage. Even more so with someone I really like.

Me, plus alcohol equals her.

Sometimes I like that. Most nights I like that. The next morning, not so much. Well, not at all.

Who she is, is everything I want to be, all the time, but that is an unachievable goal knowing she is all the best parts of me contained or unleashed for a few hours at a time.

The real me or the rest of me, must wake in the morning and go about my day as if she never existed. For if she was to wake instead of me, well I don’t know how my life would look if she drove the wheel.

Yet being honest, and this is what having a blog is supposed to be, well I do know what life would look like because she has driven before and driven me to the highest mountain and drove me straight off the side.

When I crash land and get out of the passenger seat and realise how far I’ve fallen, I look up and she is walking down, gracefully, slowly as if to take in the view from all the way up there.

I would like to be somewhere a little higher but that is what this post is all about, trying to find a compromise with who everyone thinks I am and who I am when no one sees who I am.

We all have our masks; social masks, work masks, our family masks, our therapy masks, but most of the time the problem is when the mask you wear is also the face underneath.

It’s the fear that the reflection in the mirror is everything you want to be and everything you aren’t.

So for now, I’m down here looking up and she’s looking down at me. Both wanting to be free.

I will kiss you, for a moment I am her, I am free. Then when the morning comes I will remember the taste of your lips on mine, I will smile. Then I will open my eyes and I will be me without her.

So kiss kiss, bang bang my loves,

Kiss kiss bang bang.

 

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