On the most romantic day of the year, I am writing about love but more so about loving thy self.
When you’ve spent over a decade shadowed by mental illness, sometimes you are so used to it being the good reason and the and reasons for every decision you make, you start to believe it’s just who you really are and not just a part of you.
I finally understand the cliché quote of “It’s not you, it’s me!”
Being in any relationship has its hardships and delights, but when mental health issues are in the mix does this complicate things or does it enlighten them?
At what point do you tell them? Right at the beginning, on your dating profile, after six months or just wait for them to notice and say, oh didn’t I tell you?When is it okay to say, “Hey! I have a mental illness, well not one or two but three!” When will they believe it’s just a part of me?
I lay beside your body and your silence filled my lungs.
I can feel the tingle of my fingers as I stroked your chest.
Your heart beat protruded through your skin and I felt the pain of a thousand dying stars.
In the glory of death, they have never glistened so bright. They were beautiful to the naked eye, just as you were naked.
You were beautiful.
In that moment, sorrow swirled through your tired eyes and I knew, I knew the pain you felt.
How it crippled your lungs and made your hands shake.
I knew what it had done to you, how it had encaged you in a life of broken dreams.
I knew what it was doing to you.
How it was tying your tongue to your throat to choke the words that could set you free.
I knew that I could not fight it for you but be there by your side, to see you through the war against your mind.
The moonlight laid against our skin and our eyes met, your lips parted and a shiver ran through my veins.
I could hear your thoughts through the shadows of the room as if they were projected onto the walls around us.
You did not talk but you pressed your lips against my skin and that was all the words you could never know how to begin.
I can’t find the words
I can’t begin to sympathise
My tongue is tied
Into a thousand ties
So far beneath the clouds
In this lifetime that has passed me by
I forgot how it felt to be loved
You taught me to try
Falling so fast
Consumed in your allure
I know that my fragile heart
Could find the strength
To love again
If you held my hand
People say dreams can come true
I never believed in them
I never believed until I met you
To my broken smile
You are the cure
My wings out wide
You taught me to fly
I am never afraid
For your eyes are the diamonds
In my pitch black night
Your arms are my home;
Your voice is my lullaby
I could never soar so high
You breathe life into me
I hope you already know
This is our destiny
The beating of my heart,
You are the pressure in my chest
I can’t sleep without you in my eyes
You are the reality at its best.
Within your heart I am young,
I am defenceless.
Words can’t find my tongue,
I am breathless.